Your parents are seniors and your children are adults. Is that statement true for you?
If you are part of the generation that is sandwiched between aging parents and adult children, then you probably have a very full plate caring for and worrying about both.
On one hand, how beautiful is it to see the love between your children and their grandparents? Having three generations alive and well in your family is something you probably don’t take for granted. If your adult children have a relationship with your parent(s), that is something you probably feel extra gratitude for. How special to watch the generation that came before you interact with the generation that you raised.Hopefully you can hang on to the beauty of that as you wrestle through some of the more challenging parts of being in the middle of this generational sandwich. After all, every rose has its thorns, right?
Let’s dive in!
The way that you care for and support your parents likely looks quite different from the way that you care for and support your children. In the case of your parents, you may be helping them through health concerns, taking them to appointments, supporting them by doing practical domestic tasks they are no longer able to do, and generally helping them navigate their final season of life with all of the weights and responsibilities that come with that.
In the case of your adult children on the other hand, the care and support looks quite different. Perhaps they are struggling to attain financial security and you feel responsible to assist them. Or maybe they still live with you and you feel their dependence on you in a very tangible day-to-day way. They may live across the country from you and be going through a hard time emotionally in their life, and you feel burdened as you watch their struggle from afar. Or perhaps they have young children and depend on you to take care of the grandchildren. Just one of these two groups depending on your support would be enough, but you may feel in a tug-of-war between the two - never sure where to put your limited energy next. Caregiver burn-out is a real thing. If you are feeling over-scheduled and under-resourced, heavy financial or emotional stress, or you wrestle with feelings of guilt for not having the time/energy to accomplish it all, then taking the time to acknowledge all of these things and find solutions for them is imperative to your well-being.
Maybe you have been on auto-pilot caring for others for nearly your whole life, and therefore don’t even have the barometers in place to check-in with yourself to see if your own tanks are full and you are getting what you need. Having healthy boundaries will support your own well-being.
Let’s talk about some ways you can support YOURSELF!
Communicate Your Feelings
Clearly expressing your feelings, without apologizing for them or blaming anyone for them is so important for solving any kind of interpersonal conflict. Name how you feel and what you need. “I feel overwhelmed” or “My body needs a rest” are honest ways of naming how you feel without making anyone defensive.
Before expressing your feelings to your children or parents, it could be helpful to work through some of your emotions around your feelings of caregiving-overwhelm with a trusted friend, spouse or counsellor. You may be able to more clearly express and identify your feelings to those involved after working through them more in-depth.
Schedule Self-Care
You matter as much as everyone else, and you need to prioritize taking care of yourself - not just everyone else! Take time to do the things you find rejuvenating. Find calm for your mind by going for a walk in nature, call a friend you know you can have a good laugh with, see a professional counselor on a regular basis so you can share your feelings with someone who will listen to and validate them. Schedule a massage to ease the tension from your body.
Find Practical Solutions
Call in support! There may be other family members or friends who would be willing to step-up and help if you asked and were able to designate specific tasks to them. It may be the time to consider part-time in-home senior care or assisted living for your parent(s). If your children need financial or emotional support from you on a level that you are simply not capable of giving, see if you can talk to them about alternative ways of them finding that support. Always make it clear that you care, even though you have limits on what you are able to provide. You might be amazed at how they find alternative solutions after you set a limit or say no, and it doesn’t have to jeopardize your relationship. In fact, you will probably find that with clear communication and realistic expectations in place, everyone involved is happier and more cooperative. A relationship can only benefit from that.
Take the time today to write down three ways of supporting yourself, and write down the other tangible things you will do to ensure that yourself and those around you are thriving in harmony.
Caregivers are humans too, and humans have limitations. Never feel guilt or shame about not being able to do everything that everyone asks of you. Place your own well-being as your priority and out of your full and overflowing cup others will benefit from your kindness and support.
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